Twisted Paths
by Saraa Luna
Summary: It's not often a vermin raised by woodlanders meets a woodlander raised by vermin. But when they do, the results are interesting, to say the least. Particularly when they involve a certain foul-mouthed otter and fox family... Collabs with Quavera-Tava. Story crossover.
1. Chapter 1

_While this story could be considered a oneshot, the original document had a prelude with Nye, Orch, and Hegg involved. If you wish to read this story as a whole, the prelude can be found in Chapter 11 of "Patches" under the name 'Future.' This story is located on my Authur's page._

* * *

It had taken a little bit, but to his dull surprise, he'd realized he was lost again.

To be honest about it, Badfang wasn't too concerned. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten split off from the horde group or found himself wandering aimlessly alone. Whenever he didn't pay too close attention, everybeast just seemed to disappear quickly, unless it was someone insulting him and calling him over. Plus, these things just kinda happened.

So now, a while after the initial discovery, Badfang was now drifting around Mossflower woods, very haphazardly tracking the horde and covering his tracks. He kicked a rock, sending it bouncing over the tree roots and shaking any low foliage. There was no need to be too quiet– all the riverrats were dead or gone, meaning he wasn't going to get killed. Probably.

The leaves of the trees thinned out over one part of the trail, and Badfang had to squint to keep looking at it, pulling down a worn bandanna over his eyes. He licked his crooked teeth. Everything was still fresh; the horde shouldn't be too far away now. Maybe. Unless was following a different path entirely, which he could have been, but seeing he'd make it back somehow or somebeast would come and get him, that really didn't matter, Badfang thought.

The rat was kneeling to look at an odd footprint better when he heard the sounds of rustling coming up from a clearing ahead. Startled, he looked up, automatically freezing. There was silence behind the bushes… then more rustling. Distant voices drifted from up ahead, words blurred and garbled into the sounds of leaves being brushed aside. Badfang couldn't tell if they were woodlander or vermin, unable to catch any of the accents involved– if there was any. But he knew for sure there were no more riverrats around here.

Curious, the rat stood up and began to make his way towards the sounds.

* * *

"Uncle Adam, I wanna go home!" Lucy whined, folding her arms and making a pouty face.

The older squirrel smacked his face, frustrated. For the past hour they had been lost. He had simply wanted to take Lucy on a small adventure for her seventh birthday, like he always did. His sister called it kidnapping, but by now it was a tradition. Except the tradition wasn't supposed to get them lost…

At least, he thought positively, we're not going to meet up with that snake Saddera. Lucy said the monster was taking care of her babies… With a shudder the squirrel tuned out his own mind, cutting off the overly excited imagination he held. Sometimes it was a gift, and a lot of the times it was a horrible curse…

The sound of something else in the woods made him stop cold still. He reached out and grabbed Lucy's small shoulder, holding her back. She looked up at him with a questioning look, about to talk when he put a paw to his mouth, making a quiet shushing sound. He heard the noise again, sending chills through his spine. Pulling Lucy to the closest tree the squirrel felt himself start to shake, scared.

Please don't let it be the snake, please don't let it be the snake, please, please please don't let it… he prayed, kneeling down and holding Lucy close to him.

The little girl looked at her uncle and poked him. "Uncle Adam, why are we hiding? It could be mommy and her friends looking for us."

"Lucy, they would be calling out our names, and your mommy would be the loudest." Adam whispered, bringing the little fuzz ball closer to him.

She pushed away, however, and took a few steps distance between them. "I think its mommy! She just wanna scare you is all because you kidnapped me, again."

Adam took in a breath to retort to the cute thing when the rat walked out of the bushes. The two beasts, squirrel and rat, locked eyes, both shocked. He was the one to react first by jumping to grab his niece. To his horror she sidestepped him and turned around to the vermin beast. "Hi there!" She said cheerfully, putting up her paw and giving the rat a little wave.

"Lucy…" Adam quietly called, inching towards her.

She looked at him with a farrowed brow and a tiny frown. "Don't be rude Uncle Adam, say hi."

Badfang wasn't sure what to make of the two squirrels. He had just been in a bloody raid, participant in the killing and looting. The older one was obviously scared of him, but the little one was walking up to him, holding her paw out. He finally decided the tiny squirrel was simply crazy to think she could walk up to a rat with a smile on her face. But as he thought of reaching for his cutlass he couldn't help but smile back at her sweet face. She was so small and fluffy, he couldn't possibly think of killing her! …not now, at least, seeing he was all tired of fighting. That was one of the things his raiding partner Hegg always knocked his ears over, for holding back on the young ones. But as he looked at the little squirrel he couldn't help but feel a warm feeling grow from his stomach. It was such a nice feeling too.

Grinning with his crooked teeth the rat leaned down and shook her hand. "Hi thair, my name id Ba'fang."

Lucy cocked her head slightly to the side. "Ba'fang?" She repeated, tasting the odd name on her tongue.

Shaking his head the rat tried to correct her. "Noo, no, no, I'am BaaD-fang." he said, putting emphasis on the D that his lisp ran over before.

"Oh Badfang! I get it know, sorry. Yeah, your fangs are a little bad. Are they supposed to be yellow like that?" Lucy asked, oblivious to her own rudeness.

Badfang slowly reached up to his teeth and scratched them. He looked at the slimy crud on his claw and smiled at her. "Yes," he replied confidently.

Lucy frowned at the disgusting action but smiled a second after. "Well my teeth are white and neat, see." she declared, showing off her perfect little teeth with a happy grin.

Adam finally stood up and put his paws on Lucy's shoulders. Giving the rat a nervous smile and he started to walk her backwards, away from the vermin beast. "Sorry to do this but we really gotta be going now. Lucy's got a birthday party and stuff, so yeah, bye!" he exclaimed, getting ready to run and drag Lucy with him.

Badfang didn't like the squirrel taking away the little squirrel. He stood up fast but stopped when the little squirrel, Lucy was her name he thought, kicked the bigger squirrel's in the shin. "Uncle Adam, stop being so mean." Adam hopped around holding his chin, muttering unintelligible things. Lucy started giggling at his funny display. "You're so funny." Then she turned to Badfang who had been standing back quietly now, and smiled at him. "So, we got food if you're hungry. Do you wanna have a picnic with us?"

Smiling the rat walked over to the two squirrels and sat down, liking the idea of a picnic.

* * *

"So he–"

"Yup."

"Even when–"

"What does it look like?"

Nye had to pause at the amount of stupidity she was currently witnessing, trying to absorb it all in. Badfang had never been the sharpest arrow in the quiver, but this took it all to a new level. Her bandaged rudder thumped over the ground, both she and Hegg staring at the trail they were currently following. Hegg's expression of surprise had faded long before hers, now just looking a kind of beaten amusement as they surveyed the rat's footprints, and where he'd taken a direct split from the horde's trail to follow another dampened down one… which had nothing to do with returning to camp.

Hegg looked stuck between tearing out one of his throwing daggers and spiking it into the trail or beginning to laugh, a corner of his mouth twitching unpleasantly as he followed the trail with his eyes, seeing where the rat had long deviated from the proper course. Nye would have felt a kind of almost pitying exasperation, if the annoyance and urge to cuff Badfang over his head hadn't reached her first. She briefly studied his tracks for a few more seconds before looking up. A few stray vermin emerging from the ruined village had gotten cut off from the horde after the raid, trampling out their own havoc-filled lane before they'd managed to rejoin. It was a sheer dead end.

Not that it'd stopped Badfang from following it and making his own extended path at the end, Nye thought. One of her paws twitched at her dagger. Hellgates, he wasn't even trying anymore. No doubt the rat knew somebeast was bound to come get him or that he'd make it back somehow with his ridiculous homing skills, and he'd just decided to kill time before that happened. If he managed to circumnavigate Mossflower in the process, then that was just a bonus.

"Have I ever told ya my idea that he gets even stupider an' more laid back after a raid?" Hegg asked, not looking at Nye's face as he walked forward, sharp ears turning to listen in on their green wooded surroundings.

"No, but I agree," Nye said, turning to look through the trees. She arched her head, combing the area intently with her gaze. Being taller than everybeast else had its advantages when you weren't being used as one giant sling target or magnet for every wannabe warrior in a village raid. So far, there was no sight of Badfang anywhere. "It's like 'e's a bloody genius at bein' stupid, especially when 'e's tired–"

Both fox and otter simultaneously heard the high-pitched giggling and lisped out words from the bushes further up ahead. Nye cut her words off immediately, she and Hegg standing bolt upright and staring towards the source of the noise. They had no froggutted idea what was going on, but there was only one vermin in the horde who had that heavy of a lisp.

Nye and Hegg wordlessly followed the sounds, Hegg taking the lead.

Five seconds later, they were standing behind a bush, gawking at the scene in front of them.

"–and see, you hafta bite the end of the scone off to get to the yummy jammy part inside, 'less there's lots of sugar on the bread, because then you wanna eat that, too," the little squirrel said, speaking matter-of-factly as if she had the wisdom of an old seer. A few feet away from her, a satisfied-looking Badfang was munching on a scone, long tail curled around his crossed legs. He wasn't trying to dissect the pastry in the way the squirrel child was instructing him to, but judging from the purplish smear across his crooked front incisors, it was obvious that he'd attempted it.

To the right of the little squirrel was an older one, a younger adult holding an unbitten tart. He looked highly uncomfortable with the whole situation, bottlebrush tail prickling, giving Badfang weary and disgusted looks when he was sure the rat or his cub wasn't watching. At least, Nye assumed she was his cub through her bolt of shock and disgust. The two resembled each other in fur color, and had the same round ears.

Next to her, Hegg made a tiny gurgling sound of disbelief as he watched the tiny squirrel maid chatter on, passing Badfang a second scone from a nearby bag as if it was nothing and giggling at his awkward manner of eating. Nye could've bitten her tongue off with the amount of grinding her teeth were doing.

Damnit, Badfang! she thought, tightening her grip on her spear, but still staying hidden. What the blazes were they supposed to do now? She'd always known the rat laid off the cub killing during raids, letting others do it for him, and his will for violence burnt out afterwards, leaving him more cheerful and harmless than usual, but she'd never considered what would happen if he met some accepting woodlanders while in his dull state.

Well, she knew now, Nye thought, suddenly struggling not to face-palm or pinch the bridge of her muzzle between her fingers. Similar stupid natures, always drawing together… Hegg was completely quiet, watching the scene with sharp and analyzing eyes. He nudged Nye with his elbow, the otter leaning down to hear him.

"We kin't just drag him out," Hegg said, lips barely moving, finally looking away from the odd-one-out of the trio. Nye opened her mouth to protest, eyes already narrowing, but Hegg swiftly elbowed her in the stomach, silencing her and blocking her off from going through the bush. She closed her mouth, giving him a dirty look of anger and frustration. Hegg didn't flinch, the fox used to receiving such things, and continued talking. "If we kill off both tha squirrels, we might piss him off an' wake up his fightin' side again. I'm not knockin' him out to carry that lug back, or havin' him mad at me for tha rest of tha week."

The adult squirrel, upon seeing Badfang start on another pastry, contently sitting there and letting the fascinated smaller squirrel draw closer with her paw extended– as if she was going to poke him– looked even more uncomfortable. He quickly reached out, grabbing her by the back of her dress and tugging her back, eyes nervously flitting to Badfang to make sure the vermin hadn't noticed.

"Lucy," he said, trying to get up, tugging on the back of her dress again and reaching for the picnic bag, "I think we've kept your new… friend… long enough, and while, er, it's been great meeting you, Snagglefang, there is that party I mentioned that we gotta go to–"

"Uncle Adam, stop pulling on my dress, you meanie!" Lucy said, the little squirrel kicking backwards. There was a low thud of a foot meeting contact with a shin, Adam making a quietly strangled sound before he let go of her. Nye swore she heard a 'not _twice_ today' amongst the brief spurt of curses that followed. Lucy sassily crossed her arms, fluffy red tail raised jauntily. Badfang watched on with the same cheerful amusement as when Wareg was beating the tar out of somebeast else.

"And his name is Badfang, not Snagglefang," she corrected, "even if that name would fit too." Lucy paused, tilting her head and looking childishly thoughtful. "This is a really nice picnic. I wanna invite Saddera and her lotsa babies next time."

"NO!" Adam burst out, looking horrified. Even Badfang's eyebrows raised at his reaction. Lucy stuck her lip out in a pout.

"Why not? It'd be reeeeally fun–"

"I'm sure it would be, but I think we're gonna have to take our rat friend back now."

Lucy, Adam, and Badfang looked up in surprise as Hegg slipped out of the bushes, arms loosely crossed in the picture of suave calmness. Adam almost jumped out of his seat, Badfang looking up with startled happiness.

"Hegg!" he piped up joyfully, it taking a few seconds for the realization to sink in and the rat's face to fall. "Oh Helbgat–"

"Don't be gettin' worked up yet," Nye said, pushing her way through the bushes and joining Hegg's side, hood pulled down further over her face. Adam looked ready to pull a face plant or grab Lucy and head up the nearest tree with her. Lucy, on the other paw, was overjoyed after the initial shock, face lighting up.

"More beasts to have our picnic with!" she cheered, clapping her paws together once. The squirrel excitedly looked towards Badfang after shooting her uncle a triumphant look. "I told you I was gonna have lots of beasts come to my party, even if we came out here– Badfang, who're your friends?"

If Nye hadn't been so irritated with the whole situation, she would've smirked at the childishly guilty and trapped look on Badfang's face. As it was, she kept composed, acting is if she'd expected everything that was happening now. Hegg had given her that subtle aside glance before they'd come out, the familiar one that said 'play along,' and the otter had to comply. Neither of the squirrels thought they were raiding vermin yet, and as long as they kept it hidden, the more dignity and pride Nye could keep. Who'd ever heard of hordebeasts having a _picnic_ with _woodlanders?_ Regular vermin, on the other paw… Nye had to hold back a small grimace at the thought, even if she knew it was true.

"Nye anb Hegg," Badfang began, willingly introducing them, though he'd climbed to his feet and somehow managed to place himself halfway between his vermin companions and his temporary friends. From the way he was looking towards them out from under his bandanna, Nye had the feeling his movement was mostly to block her. Adam noticed, immediately beginning to reach for Lucy again. "Thair'b from– from de–"

"–village we live in," Hegg finished smoothly, moving forward with his gliding steps and somehow getting his arm to casually hang over Badfang's shoulder in the blink of an eye. He looked pleasantly amused with the whole situation, dark eyes unreadable. Badfang visibly seemed pleased and relieved at Hegg's apparent happiness, the fox turning his charm up a notch and smiling at the two squirrels. Seeing he hadn't inherited Seva's crisscrossed fangs, the action was far less threatening just by itself.

"Our blockhead friend here is always gettin' himself lost, an' I'm glad ya took him in an' invited him to a picnic. T'was nice to find good folk out here," Hegg said, the picture of civilized. Nye had to force herself to keep from thumping him upside the head, deciding to appreciate the irony.

"Yeah, I know about that," Lucy said, smiling in return, primly adjusting her skirt. "My Uncle Adam is a big blockhead too; he always gets lost when he kidnaps me for my birthday and I have to take him back."

Adam blinked in surprise before turning away from the vermin for the first time, looking at his niece. "Hey–!"

"Looks like we 'ave somethin' in common, then, squirrel," Nye said, speaking up after her burst of surprise. The word 'squirrel' came out of her mouth in almost the same way the word 'treerat' would, Nye just managing to keep it neutral. She refused to remain silent and allow Hegg to take credit for acting through the entire thing; he'd never let her hear the end of it.

The otter forced a thin half-smile on her face, only daring to show the corners of her teeth. Orch had long ago told her that– to a woodlander– one of her genuine smiles looked as if she wanted to skin them in their sleep.

It took Nye a moment, but she noticed what was going on. Hegg was smiling, the squirrel brat was smiling, Badfang was smiling– and looking complacently ugly while doing so– and now even the other squirrel was forcing an awkward smile on his face, not wanting to be left out of the atmosphere. It was a ridiculous grin fest, and Nye felt something in her twitch when she thought that at least two of them– no, three, she corrected, looking at the not-so-casual expression on Adam's face– were faking it.

Only Badfang and Lucy seemed like they were truly having fun, and their toothy smiles were as different as night and day, the perfect white squares clashing against the twisted and bucktoothed incisors.

Lucy perked up again, picking up the scone bag before Adam could object.

"You can all have a picnic with us!"

"Now, Lucy, we–"

"Sounds good," Nye said, putting one paw on her hip. She saw a flash of surprise cross Hegg's face, as well as one of short horror come over Adam's. Nye gave them both a viciously sweet smile back. She might have her pride as a hordebeast and the cub of Orch, but she'd been taking advantage of woodlanders since day one, and who was she to deny a good meal and her opportunist side, or the chance to mess with a treerat's head?

Badfang was the first to break the short silence.

"Well, this wurbed oud."

* * *

Tava put her back to a tree and reached up to play with her ears, her claws going in and out of the large piercings. It was such a horrible habit of hers, but whenever she started getting overly nervous she couldn't help play with them. Ever sense Marcia and Lucius's discovery of her old scars she had openly started doing it again, breaking a long streak of keeping her paws in her lap. Putting all her claws through the holes, as if it were the day the very same claws tore through her flesh creating the piercings, she lightly pulled her head forward stretching upper spine and neck.

With a sigh the fox let go and ruffled the fur around her ears, hiding the signs of her old pains. Now was not the time to start remembering. Now was the time to be looking for Lucy and Adam. It was a ridiculous 'tradition' the squirrel had on Lucy's birthday. Worst of all he practically played hide and go seek with the whole group of friends, hide and seeks with Mossflower as the boundaries. Last season the squirrel had gotten himself stuck in a snake's den that Lucy swore was her friend. She shuddered at the memory of horrible sleeping thing and its breathing. It was a hundred times worse than any worm, being freaking huge and holding razor sharp poison dripping fangs and all.

Shaking her head to clear it of the horrible creature Tava started off again, calling out feebly. "Lucy! Adam! Where are you?!" she cried, her voice starting to get a little horse from the yelling. The vixen looked down at her feet for just a second, remembering the time she tried calling out to her dead parents…

Licking her lips she shook her head again. The woods of Mossflower was not a place she liked to be in very much, and with so many memories she wanted buried the fox continued to trek on. She wanted to get back to Redwall as soon as possible, get out of these woods, and most importantly throw in a few kicks when the gang got a hold of Adam Red…

Tava caught the scent of something very strange. It was such a nice aroma too that she had to follow it. Sticking her nose into the air she tracked it taking in its musty and sweet odor. Distant memories came to her as the scent grew stronger. When she finally placed a name to it she froze, her tail frizzing up, and blood rushing to her face. It was of another fox! Slightly excited but cautious the vixen continued to fallow it, having now lost her purpose to why she was out in the woods. It was such a long time sense she last saw another fox she couldn't help herself feel lightheaded at the thought.

Then when she was going down a strange beaten path the fox stopped again. This time it wasn't the realization or the memory of something but the noise of laughter. The sounds of a gruff lisped laugh mixed in with that of a sweet high pitched giggle. Tava took another smell of the air and smiled to find Lucy and Adam's smell, mixed in with a few other beasts she hadn't met before. Walking to where the voices were coming from the vixen grinned, catching the sweet smell of her own cooking.

Having lived in the woods of Mossflower most of her life she knew never to just barge in on a group of beasts, even if some of them were friendly. It was impossible to know if the new beasts were skittish enough to immediately put a blade between your ribs just by the sudden surprise. She remembered her father doing that one time to a poor ferret who only wanted some food. Coming to some tall bushes she quietly listened to them converse, keeping herself from laughing at her dear friend, Lucy.

"An' then my mommy kicked Uncle Adam in the butt!" Lucy laughed.

"I'm likin' tha sound of yer mother," a thickly accented voiced commented. Tava slowly reached down to her knives, knowing the accent well. It was the same kind of accent that came with any hordebeast, and vermin of that nature were never anything to take lightly. You always had to assume they intended to rob you at the very least, maybe get a little torture in if they could.

Slowly crawling forward, Tava looked through the bush at the group of beasts. She spotted the strangest looking otter she had ever seen, a stupid looking rat, and finally a fox. And what a fox he was! Biting her lip Tava held her blades, ready to stick them into the fox first, seeing he had a few knives on him as well. Then she saw Lucy and Adam… She was pissed at the squirrel…

"OK Lucy, I think we should go now." Adam pestered, tucking at his niece's collar. A shoe bounced off his head before Lucy smack him away. Crying out the squirrel fell to the ground, another shoe bouncing of his head.

Lucy was the first one to react, hopping up excitedly and yelling, "Tava!" She exclaimed, running to the vixen as she materialized through the nearby bushes. The vixen held knives in her paws ready to use them on anybeast that so much as made the wrong move towards her. "Tava, Tava, look'it all my new friends!"

The fox looked at the three still sitting beasts and locked eyes with the otter, catching her frown. "Charming new friends Lucy…"

To Tava's surprise the fox of the group stood up, putting his handpaws in the air in non-aggressive manner. "If it isn't another visitor… Allow me to introduce myself, fine vixen. I'm Hegg," he said, his smile bright and shining.

Tava took little notice of the facepalm the otter did and smiled at the fox. "Tava; nice to meet you."

* * *

There were times when Nye wondered why she bothered to be Badfang's friend instead of kicking the rat's rear or tossing him into the nearest river for her own sanity.

This was one of them.

"…and so Uncle Adam passed out, and Saddera was all sad about it, but then she carried back!" Lucy finished joyfully, bouncing a little too close to Nye for the otter's comfort. The hordebeast struggled against the urge to move over, but was unable to do so, sandwiched between Hegg and the hyperactive squirrel cub.

Badfang, sitting on the other side of Lucy, shuddered. "Snaches. I hade them."

Lucy made a small tutting sound in the back of her throat, squirrel poking Badfang in the shoulder. "That's not nice; Saddera's a _good_ snake. Take it back. She's super-wonderful, isn't she, Uncle Adam?"

Somehow stuck on the end of the sitting picnic circle, the other squirrel was struggling to find out how he'd managed to get separated from Lucy and sat aside Badfang, recoiling every time the rat lisped. He didn't seem to have much of an appetite any more, solely holding onto his scone instead of eating it the same way Hegg and Tava were, though the two foxes seemed to be laying off the food for another reason entirely, engrossed in conversation.

"Lucy, I think you've got a different meaning to 'super-wonderful' than I do," Adam said warily, keeping an eye on Tava. He had no intention of getting hit with another shoe in the face so soon. "But I think– for once– that I agree with the rat."

Lucy screwed up her face, playfully sticking her tongue out at her Uncle. "Mama's right; you're really dumb sometimes," she giggled. Lucy didn't even give the other squirrel a chance to refute before she turned around, flouncing over to Nye with a look of expectation on her face. "After what I said, you gotta believe Saddera's nice, right? Not like those two."

Nye could feel her personal space being invaded by wide innocent eyes and a bushy tail, and she didn't believe she could cuff her over the head for it, either. Not unless she wanted that fox's daggers stuck in her back, Nye thought, glancing at the talking pair next to her, no matter how preoccupied they looked. From the way she'd beaned the squirrel in the head, she obviously had good aim, and it'd be a pity to die while there were still scones in the bag. Hegg was getting very suave and chatty for just meeting her, however…

"No," Nye said, pulling away slightly from the squirrel's reaching paws, wishing she had her spear to block her. "Can see why Badfang doesn't like 'em, though; he almost got scoffed down by one." The otter accent in her voice was put on a little late, but it was still better than nothing.

Lucy looked undiscouraged, coming closer. Nye scooted back a margin further. Goddamnit, cubs didn't know when to let something be. "It still wasn't Saddera; least probably not. You have to admit she's the most wonderfullest snake ever," Lucy said, putting her paws by her side as she if was preparing for a boxing brawl, little jaw set in determination. She _would_ make Nye say what she wanted her to.

"…aaaand there's her mother in her coming out," Adam muttered, resigning himself to a second tart while the madness continued. Badfang had already stolen the last blueberry one after Tava had grabbed a dark brown scone filled with something she called 'chocolate.'

Nye's rudder swept over the ground behind where she was sitting, a habit whenever she was annoyed, and to her surprise, it felt nothing but space next to her where Hegg was supposed to be sitting. Blinking once, she looked away from Lucy's adorably stubborn face and towards Hegg.

He and Tava were now apparently discussing throwing knives– Hegg coincidentally close enough to her to be able to lean over and look at hers, sounding completely interested. He'd somehow managed to levitate an inch towards Tava every minute or so, eyebrows raised in a light 'well-how-did-_that_-happen?' expression, as if he was surprised he was somehow getting closer to the vixen. She didn't look to be complaining, turning her knife over and continuing to talk, though maybe that was because she could stab Hegg in the face in a split second if things went wrong. Nye swore she saw a tiny flutter of eyelashes, Hegg's tail lazily fluffed up as it accidentally brushed towards hers.

Pricklehog breath; so that was what it was, Nye thought, obvious realization hitting. Behind her, Lucy gave a small cough of impatience before she decided Nye could be easier reached by climbing up on a pleasantly apathetic Badfang's shoulder. Adam gave a little choke of disapproval and surprise on his scone.

Nye was stuck between rolling her eyes or waiting in morbid but entertained expectation. It seemed Hegg couldn't drop his other nature even here, despite how many names Nye had teased him with about it, 'male-wench' being one of the politer ones. Hegg would always say it was pick-pocketing with benefits, though the several vixens who'd discovered their losses and caught up with him after everything did their best to take the 'benefit' part away. Half the time he ended up with treasure of more than one kind; the other half he spent retching his guts out in a bush because he'd forgotten to check his food for poisoning. Again.

Play it wrong this time, Nye thought, and he'd be likely to get a dagger thrown at his eye. …again.

The otter slumped back to better relax herself the instant Lucy tried to tap her shoulder, squirrel barely missing her. Lucy gave a small frown, better balancing herself on Badfang's shoulder again. At least she had a nice place to sit now, even if the rat was kinda odd looking and Uncle Adam was giving her some weird looks and waving his paws a little, silently mouthing 'no no no no!'

"So what happened to your ears?" Tava asked, she and Hegg done looking at their knives, vixen now peering curiously at the scars. Hegg blinked, reaching up and feeling the cut slots.

"What, these? Oh, just had a brief run-in with somebeast less than cooperative," Hegg said, smoothing back part of his sliced ear and fluffed fur, disregarding Nye next to him. "For once, I hope tha reason for gettin' them is somethin' we don't have in common, though it's tha only thing. It looks like somebeast got a hold of yer pretty pair," Hegg said, nodding towards Tava's ears with his eyes on her face.

"Yes, with jewelry piercin's," Nye said, breaking into the conversation. Both the foxes blinked in surprise, leaning back from each other and turning towards Nye, who was now rolling a scone over in her paws, casually leaning back. "I don't think a ferret chewed on her 'ead like it did yours."

Hegg clenched the fingers Tava couldn't see into the ground, tilting his head defensively. He wasn't happy to have Nye interrupting here, particularly since Tava looked amused at her comment after the first look of shock.

"Really, Nye?" Hegg said, some of the nice charm in his eyes vanishing to be replaced by a purposely calm slyness. "Well, no wonder ya remember everythin' differently– I seem to recall ya lyin' facedown in a puddle of booze deep enough to drown a fish," Hegg said, almost sounding sweet and folding his paws together.

Nye narrowed her eyes, hearing Adam behind her snicker and seeing the other fox's face briefly crack up. She knew a challenge when heard one.

The otter forced her face into the same nonchalant expression as Hegg's, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees and rotate the forgotten scone between her fingers, stare fixed on Hegg.

"Funny, me foxy friend, I seem t' remember it goin' down just a liddle _differently_–"

* * *

_A.N: And so there it is, the point where this insane collaboration came to a stop. Working with Quavera-Tava was a bucket of fun, and you may see a collab or two in the future, but this one has come to a complete stop for now thanks to a general lack of interest and other IRL factors for both of us. Since both Tava and Nye have set histories behind them (in the The Starlits and The Reverse Taggerung Effect, respectively) some things had to be changed in order to make this crossover work. This version of Tava is from Deviants instead of The Starlits, and the setting of The Reverse Taggerung Effect was changed to be Castle Floret instead of Redwall in order to let Nye and Tava meet. Other than that, their histories are solid and unaltered._

_I hope everyone enjoyed this piece of ridiculousness. Quavera and I certainly did. :P_

_-SL_


	2. Chapter 2

To say Lakka was in a predicament was, well, quite true. Being locked in a tight closet with a verminanized otter was one of the last places he wanted to be. But it wasn't just any nasty otter, it was Nye. Out of all the stupid otters in the whole world, it was Nye. Redwall was in the process of rehabilitating her, which meant they were laying the law down on every mishap she did. So the otter was perhaps even snappier then she was before her guardian, Orch, was taken into their medical care for whatever ailment was befalling him. All of this was rather trivial though compared to the knee that was cutting into his leg.

"Mind moving yourself a bit, you're about to put a stinkin' hole through my leg!"

The otter dug her knee deeper into his leg, causing the fox to yelp out in pain. "Better?" she asked bitterly.

Lakka growled. He wanted to wring her neck, choke her until she turned blue. He also wanted to do the same to the evil squirrel known as Lucy Red… Somehow the maid had singlehandedly shoved both of them in a closet, laughing as they yelled for her to open the door. She had told them she'd let them out in the morning, but until then they were to learn how to be nice beasts and polite. The fox especially wanted to strangle the squirrel more than anything, for polite was perhaps the opposite of his very being. Nye probably even more so! Who did she think she was putting the two nastiest beasts in the whole of Redwall in a cramped space together? Perhaps her true motives were for the two to kill each other…

Personally Lakka wanted to do just that too: kill Nye and say that it was simply because he farted, and the otter couldn't stand his awesome stench. But alas, Nye came from a horde where beasts hardly bathed. If the young teen wasn't an otter he'd bet she wouldn't care to take very many baths either. But luckily she was an otter, and she still had that mad instinct to get wet as much as she could.

A sudden feeling came to him as his leg fell asleep from Nye's knee digging into it. "I gotta pee," he announced, rather stupidly.

Nye narrowed her eyes in the dark. "An' how do you think you're goin' ta do that, you nimwit?"

Lakka narrowed his eyes in return. "Maybe I can just piss on you."

Nye held back her fist from drilling into his offending bladder. Part of her wanted to hurt him so bad, and other part of her didn't look forward to the idea of fox urine on her. "You do that, an' I'll personally make sure your tainted blood doen't get passed on, if you know what I mean."

Lakka laughed at the nasty otter. "Tainted blood? That's a new one, but you're the perfect example of bein' raised the wrong way."

"Says the most bloody worthless an' tripe-faced excuse for a fox I've ever seen," Nye shot back, not missing a beat. "What'd the woodlanders do when 'ey got you, pull out your brain an' stuff snot in your skull? You probably don't even have anythin' down there ta kick," she muttered, glancing at his pants before sourly trying to move his hard paw from behind her neck. That was one of the downsides of being an otter; one was flexible but got neck aches easily.

Lakka glared at her before shifting his weight and painfully digging his claws into the back of her neck harder. Nye had to struggle not to let out a yelp, and Lakka noticed, smirking through his stinging leg. At least he could retaliate all he wanted against her.

"You're one to be talking about bein' worthless," Lakka growled, unable to hide his smugness of scoring a point against her. "Who couldn't read a single word and got shoved into the lowest class Redwall had? I feel like this is ringing a bell here…"

"Burn in 'ellgates," Nye snapped, pride stinging at his comment. She couldn't find a comeback to that without socking him in the face, and he still had a full bladder while they were practically smashed together in this closet. He wasn't the only one she was going to punch in the gut when she got out.

But there were other options… Nye thought, noticing Lakka's belt. An idea immediately popped into her head.

"What's wrong, _Nye_?" Lakka said, hearing the otter's angry silence after his words. He might've felt like a fish crammed in a barrel, but triumph was still sweet. "You're being awfully quiet. Somethin' get your tongue?"

"Well en't you a goddamn ball of bright answers?" Nye said, growling loudly and shoving her knee against his leg harder. It was Lakka's turn to hold back a yelp before he glared at her again. Nye continued to keep talking, trying to keep Lakka's attention away from her paw stealthily creeping towards his belt. If she was good at one thing, it was stealing. "I might not be able ta _read_," she spat, putting as much disdain on the word as possible, "but kin do a whole 'ell of a lot more than you, you stunt-nosed piece of tripe."

Lakka was opening his mouth for an equally angry and profanity laced reply when he felt something tug at his waist.

"An' my guts are still in 'un piece!" Nye said, done with freeing his belt from the buckle. She yanked as hard as possible. Lakka wheezed as Nye managed to hook the buckle into a hole three sizes too small for him just before he kicked out and slammed his foot straight into her ribs, making her yelp in pain.

Unfortunately for both of them, Nye's sleek fur let Lakka's foot slide right on by after he'd kicked her, firmly hooking his foot behind the edge of her skirt and back. Add the force he'd sent into the blow and Nye's automatic response to ripple her spine and jerk away, and the fox was sent crashing directly into her lap as they both slammed into the wall… and cracked heads.

"MMMMPH!" Lakka groaned, trying to twist his pained leg out from behind Nye and climb off of her, only to realize that his words were muffled. So were Nye's curses. In fact, both of their words were muffled.

Lakka and Nye stared at each other with wide and shocked eyes far too close to each other, both freezing in horror as they registered what had happened. They hadn't just cracked heads. They'd painfully cracked _mouths._

Meaning Nye was currently— and painfully— kissing a fox.

Both of their screams of disgust could be heard across the hall.

They struggled to get off one another, both young beasts crying out in pain as their limbs were bent in unnatural direction, and their fur pinched against random assortment of objects. To their horror, they had somehow gotten themselves in a position where Lakka was on top of Nye.

"If you don't get offa me in the next second, I'm goin' ta personally shove a hot knife in your eye!" Nye yelled, feeling every part of her was now violated by the fox.

Lakka would have enjoyed her displeasure if he too didn't feel his on body violated. Using his arms he pushed himself up and away from Nye. Then it occurred to him that he actually had her pinned! There were many ways of looking at their position, and having her pinned was a lot better than what was going through his mind a moment ago. The fox even started to laugh. All he had to do was change his perspective! Granted, that still didn't account for the sudden pain in his shoulder.

Nye wrapped her claws around his shoulder and dug them in, urging the insane fox to keep moving and get off of her. Her mind was still thinking of how their position looked. The fox graciously complied with her persistence and was able to get off of her. Through the dark she saw him reach down a paw to help her up, but she simply smacked it away and stood herself up.

The two glared at each other through. Their random and frantic movements had pushed all the closet supplies out and around them, giving them at least a tiny bit of elbow room. This time they weren't pressed against each other and they had at least a few inches apart from each other's bodies.

Then one of them spoke.

"I really need to pee now…"

Nye reached down below her feet and grabbed an object she had felt earlier and shoved it into the fox's chest. "Here, you maggot, drink this an' pee inta it."

"Where did you find this?" Lakka asked as he opened the unknown bottle and took a whiff of its contents. Strangely enough, it smelled like some kind of grape juice. "Kinda an odd place for a bottle of grape juice, don't you think?"

Nye moved one of her footpaws and nudged it against several other bottles on the floor. "Probably somebeast's stash of juice 'o somethin'."

The fox nodded and took a sip of the contents. It was a sweet tasting juice with a hint of something else he hadn't tasted before. Pushing the odd but tasteful flavor aside he chugged as much as he could down before taking it away from his lips. "Alright, I can't drink this whole thing by myself; you finish it off."

"No way, you snotmouthed dog. I en't drinkin' after you!" Nye spat, disgusted.

"It'll give you something to get my taste out of your mouth…"

The otter bit her lip before snatching the bottle out from the fox's offering paw. She then greedily drank away the rest of the liquid, ignoring the strange taste of fermented grape juice.

It was only a few minutes after she stopped drinking, and she and Lakka were sulkily standing around each other, did she realize what had just went down her throat.

"Damnit…" was the only thing that the otter could say as her stomach started to feel a familiar warm feeling.

To top off her situation she felt the bottle taken from her paws, Lakka turned his back to her, and a sudden water-against- glass noise came to her ears…

Nye wrinkled her nose in disgust, digging her claws into her stomach. She wasn't going to go there, not matter how much _ale_ she'd drank… which was exactly what it had been. Orch had let her have a little more alcohol as she got older, but she had yet to build a strong tolerance for it, and what they'd both drank had been pretty strong— even with the juice there to mask the taste. So much for the Abbey being a place of saintliness.

Lakka finally capped the bottle again and fixed his pants, readjusting the belt to where it had been before Nye had tried to compress his guts. Oddly enough, he was starting to feel a little light-headed, and the whole room seemed to getting warmer and shaking in his vision. When he looked at the same glazed look in Nye's eyes as she struggled to get herself under control, he could see the same thing happening to her.

"Goddamnit, that wasn't juice," Nye said, voice slurring and accent growing thicker. "That was some'un's rum stash." She made an odd hiccupping noise and tried to knead her knuckles into her eyes.

"What tipped you off, geeenius?" Lakka said, his own voice slurring. His terror at being drunk inside a closet was slowly being eaten up underneath a pleasant buzzing feeling in his ears, and when he got to his feet, he wavered. Lakka had even less of an exposure to hard rum or ale than Nye.

Nye had to give a barking laugh at his shaking, scrambling to her own feet with a leer on her face. "Lightweight," she snickered. Her own feet weren't feeling that steady, but at least she wasn't shaking in place.

Lakka shook his head in annoyance, trying to glare at her, but the buzzing sound in his ears was getting louder. His feet were starting to feel light along with his head. "I'm not drunk, so I'm— mmph— not a lightweight," he growled, holding back a hiccup.

Nye rolled her eyes, suddenly feeling a lot less angry about the close quarters they were in. She could feel some of her inhabitations about close personal space fading away, and all she could think of was that this must've been what Orch felt like when he got tipsy— except it usually took him three or four rum bottles to get him to start slurring the tiniest bit. It had taken Nye and Lakka just half of one each.

"Well neither am I, ya bloody fox," Nye said, smirking and grinning slightly as she poked him in the chest. Neither of them noticed they were leaning closer than before, though seeing they were in a tight broom closet, it _was_ hard to tell the difference. "I'm just tipsy; yer drunk."

"Am not," Lakka childishly retorted. He reached up a paw to poke her. Nye growled, remembering the claws digging into her neck before.

"If you poke me, I'm gonna bite yer fingers off."

Glaring back at her, Lakka slowly thought of the consequences of such an action. On one paw, he had the possibility of annoying her even further; on the other paw, she would bite his fingers off… For some reason such a loss didn't seem too bad. He gentle poked her in the ribs, giggling as she smacked his paw away. "Why Nye, you're not gonna bite my fingers off?"

The otter was seriously debating whether she should just strangle the beast in front of her or not. Sure, she'd be marked for murder. Her paws would be stained red; Redwall had developed that tradition for beasts who murdered other beasts, and then she'd be banished from Redwall forever. That last bit didn't bother her so much as having her paws conspicuously stained red… forever…

Suddenly, she decided she just didn't care.

Lakka stopped poking her and leaned back on his side of the closet. His thoughts were slowing down, a consuming dizziness taking them over. A giggle escaped him as he thought of the drink he just had, and how tasty it was. He wanted some more. Lakka leaned down, and ignoring his companion's protests, the fox searched for another bottle of the stuff. He giggled when he found it. But for some reason he couldn't bring himself to stand up again.

"Heey Nyee, I can't stand up…" He was suddenly hauled up to his feet and pushed to his side of the closet. The fox held the bottle in one paw and used the other to shoot out into the darkness to balance himself. A cry was muffled as he felt his hand stuck into a warm, wet and moist place. "What thYEEEOUCH!"

Nye was going to bite his fingers clean off. She had helped him up and he had repaid her with shoving his paw into her mouth. But no matter how much she tried she couldn't get her mouth to bite down as hard as she could. Granted, that didn't mean the otter didn't have a good grip on his paw, but his fingers weren't coming off either. A giggle escaped her as she suddenly thought of having a piece of him inside of her mouth— and then she wanted to run herself through with a sword at the thought that just passed her mind. Nye spat his paw out with a sound of disgust and pressed herself against her side of the closet, her urge for personal space coming back.

"You're disguustin'!" she whined.

Lakka put his hurt paw to his head, trying to hold back a sudden wave of dizziness. Once he had control of himself he ignored the little bit of blood on his paw and opened the new bottle. "I'mma driink dis next one aand shoow yeee whvo's lightweight."

"Damn fox, 'eres enough kick in that stuff ta kiilll you! Doon't even try drinkin' that whole bottle." Nye said, unsure why she even cared enough to try and stop the stupid fox. She then grabbed the bottle from his paw and started drinking it herself, getting as much down as she could before he could take it back. The fox smacked her in the face three times before finally succeeding into grabbing the bottle, and then yanked it out of her paws.

"Haaa! I got it, you poopyhead!" he declared before putting the bottle to his mouth and chugged. To his delight there was still at least half of its contents left. After a moment of noisy drinking he dropped the bottle and grinned at the otter across from him. They now had one whole bottle each!

And then, for some odd reason, Nye was on him, holding his chest for support. "Nnrrgg," was the only sound she made as her body slowly slumped to the floor.

Lakka felt himself sliding down against the closet's wall, and his legs going under Nye's body. He came to a halt, with his otter companion lying on his chest. The position was oddly comfortable, but it left the fox with just being able to roll his head and move his arms, neither of which he really wanted to do at that moment. A soft voice spoke up, and it took him a second to realize it was him that was talking. "Nye, are yee OK?"

Nye sluggishly raised her head from Lakka's chest for a moment, staring at the fox's face in the darkness. After several long seconds, her glazed eyes blinked rapidly in comprehension, and she awkwardly shoved off Lakka's shoulders and the wall. Lakka made a drunken noise of protest as Nye's movement sent her painfully slamming her nose into the nearby wall of cleaning supplies; she almost crushed his arm and pinned it against the stones.

Through the stinging in her nose as she clutched it and swore accented curses under her breath, Nye was disappointed in the part of her head working that she hadn't managed to push completely away from the fox. She was just a few inches from his side with arm almost on her shoulders, her long back slumping against the wall.

"Am I lookin' okay, ya tripe-pinchin' excuse fer a fox?" Nye muttered. She crossed her arms, feet sluggishly kicking against the floor to try and push herself up. Nye almost giggled at the disjointed movement. "Don't touch me."

"I didn't touch yee, stupid otter," Lakka said, still feeling comfortable yet dizzy. The wall and cleaning supplies behind him suddenly felt like a great place to be sitting in front of; why had he felt so uncomfortable an hour or two ago? "Why'd you go anb leeean on me if you don't wamt any touchin'?" Lakka paused for a moment, drunken head slow on catching up to what could've been taken as an innuendo. The lopsided leer on his face was there in record time, though.

"Annd I don't go thad way; I like vixens. Witth big an' flooffy tails…" he added, grinning stupidly and making a puffy paw gesture. Nye snorted and made an odd sound in the back of her throat at the same time, head swaying for a moment. She slapped at Lakka and ended up half-hitting the wall. Why was everything shaking back and forth again? There was a really odd taste in her mouth, but the buzzy feeling in her head felt good— for every set of five seconds. Then it hurt for a moment.

"Shuddup," Nye slurred, clumsily sitting up straighter. "I wass only leanin' on ya 'cause I thoud ya were Hegg fer a minuuute." The otter gave a frown as she realized what she'd said a few seconds later. "'ellgates screwin' a fishb rack, 'at came out wrong."

Lakka laughed, leaning forward and almost pounding his head against his knee for a second. "Hellgates screwin' a whatt? An' who'd ya think I wass, again?"

"Nobody," Nye said, voice getting snappier. She tried to focus on the wavering air in front of her, clamping her jaw shut. "An' 'ellgates screwin' yer fishface grandmum."

Lakka frowned, almost growling before he looked suddenly thoughtful. Drunkenness was leading to lots of new ideas. "I never mett my grandmum. I thiiink she's dead."

"'at just maakes id easier," Nye said.

Feeling sudden anger, Lakka tried to punch in her shoulder, but only managed to clip it. Nye growled and swatted at him. She almost launched forward on her muzzle again for the second time that day. So much for her balance. Lakka's anger deflated fast, him blinking in surprise at it leaving quickly.

After a long pause between the two Lakka spoke up, a chuckle behind his voice. "You know, I nehver kissed an otter before… My sister has through…"

Nye raised an eyebrow at the mention of his sister kissing an otter. She wasn't sure if the feeling she had was disgust or curiosity. It was most likely a mix of both. "She swings that way?"

Lakka snickered at the story that was replaying itself through his mind. "She swings every which away whenever she gets ahold of dat funny mushroom. Her friend was just… unlucky… when she locked herself and Tava in ta same room…"

Nye narrowed her eyes, not believing the good goodie vixen she met would do such a thing. "Ya makin' tat up," she accused, trying very hard not to have her mind think of the details the fox was implying.

Lakka outright laughed at her. "Put some of 'em mushrooms on 'er plate an' ya tell me if'en I'mma lyin'."

Nye cringed, a cold chill running through her back as she imagined the vixen with an evil malicious smile on her face. It took her a moment to realize that she much rather the vixen be a no good excuse for a vermin than have to deal with her darker (otter-smothering) side.

Lakka then had a sudden thought that sent him into a fit of drunken laughter. His otter companion glared at him before she felt herself begin to laugh. She deemed that she was simply going insane as she laughed with the fox, finding his own laughter hilarious. "W-wat's so funny?" She managed to say, suppressing her laughter down to giggles.

Lakka licked his lips and looked at Nye as he slowly exposed what was going through his mind to send him into such an uproar of mirth. "Ya know, if'en mine sister gets t'at way when she's ah toxicated tahn maybe ah can beee tooo."

Nye's abruptly stopped her giggles and felt the closet seemingly shrink in on them. "Ya wouldn't dare," she growled.

Lakka leaned forward slightly but found himself a little closer to the otter then he intended. "Yah got a cute giggle," he said, smiling as the otter uncomfortably pressed herself against the other side of the closet. "And ah bet yee couldn't even hurt a fly right now. I could do all sorts oh things to ya yee know."

Suddenly the fox saw bright stars as Nye punched him in the eye. The force from the blow sent his head flying back to loudly crack against the wall.

"I'll sock ya again, you snot-nosed tripelicker!" the otter yelled, her voice a higher pitch than it usually was.

Lakka groaned as he felt the pain dully fade away into an ache. He could care less as he leaned forward again. "An' yaaah can bee thinkin' mee as yer Heegg fraund!" For a second time he felt his head fly backwards into the wall behind him. It was this time that he had lost all thought process and held his head. "Uuuggh."

"Ha!" Nye laughed, cruel streak raising its ever-present head at the sight of Lakka clutching his eye. "Bet 'at's goin' ta leave a maark…" She stuck out her tongue and flashed her set of fangs at the same time, almost managing to bite it. "'sides, if ya tried ta stick yer paws down my skiiirt 'o snog me, I'd 'ave bitten yer tongue off."

It was Lakka's turn to recoil and narrow his eyes. "Ya wouldn't," he growled. "You cowldn't even bite my fingers off beforre this."

"Gimme a second try," Nye said, "'cause Wareg din't believe 'at either." The otter tried to sit up straight, whole body staggering in her drunkenness. She suddenly leaned closer to Lakka again as she tried to poke his shoulder, going into a ranting mood. "I mean, Hegg's a stinkin' fox like ya, exscept he kin actually steal stuff reably good an' he curses better, but Wareg doen't give a pile of muck fer nothin'. Stole a bag oof beads from 'im this 'un time an' stuck it under my belt, an' maybbe made fun of 'im some—"

Nye paused, frowning as if as she couldn't remember whether she'd mocked him or not. Then her face lit up in recognition again Lakka snickered, the fox's mind leading him to several different conclusions about what she'd just said, none of them clean. Then he promptly felt like wincing.

"Anyways," Nye slurred, waving her paw like nothing had happened and clumsily elbowing Lakka for his snicker, making the fox yelp before pushing her aside.

Nye barely caught herself from hitting the floor by pure luck, swearing as she forgot her story again. She kicked out with a short leg and nailed Lakka in the knee, successfully making the fox swear before she accidentally decked herself. Suddenly the cool floor pressed against her side felt like a good place to rest. Nye rolled over and laid an arm over her chest, looking up at the closet ceiling before she started talking again.

"So the first thin' the bloody ferret doess is sticks 'is claws down my belt ta try an' get 'is beads back. Muckin' _hurt._ Kicked him inna shin an' almost bit 'ose goddamn claws off whenn he got loose an' punched me inna face."

"Yeah well, ya didn't bite hiss fingers all off, so ha!" Lakka said, ears pinning back in triumph. He paused when he realized his fellow closet prisoner wasn't getting up, still lying on the floor. "Whaat're you doin'?"

"Shuddup, this feels good," Nye snapped.

"You know wat else feels good?" Lakka said, waggling his eyebrows and snickering. Nye gave him a death glare from the floor, trying to kick him again. Lakka saw it coming and moved with a speed Nye didn't think he could, dodging and rolling out of the way. Suddenly, he was next to her, laying his head down on the floor with a thump. His frazzled tail stuck out from under him.

"Not gedding punched in tha face by an otter, thaat's wat." Lakka paused, staring blankly at up the ceiling. "Actsually, this isn't t'at bad."

"Told ya so," Nye said.

Lakka gave a content sigh as he felt the cool floor against his fur. He mildly thought of something to talk about but couldn't think of anything. For a long moment, he debated on whether or not he should just fall asleep. Perhaps that was the best idea. Fall asleep and have nice dreams of a perfect little family where everyone was happy. That's what he loved to dream about, his family together and happy…

"Heey buck head, w'at yah're t'inkin' about? Getting' awfuly quiet for your loud mouth. Does 'at mean yer dead?"

"Nrrg, I wvas about ta fall asleep, ah think."

There was a silent pause between the two before Nye spoke up. "Don't…"

Lakka turned on his side and looked at the drunken otter, poking her shoulder gently. He smiled at her suppressed urge to smack him. "An' whyy not?"

"'Cause I said so ya tripebrained fox."

"Pfff. Waht yee wanna taalk abooout?"

"I dunno, I jus' want ta."

"Yah wanna know w'at I wanna talk about tahn?"

"No, yer too purvturted."

"I'd like ta taaalk about w'at yah look like if'en ya was ah fox."

Nye farrowed her brow at the ceiling, thinking over the idea. She tried to imagine herself with a fluffy tail and pointy ears, and surprisingly didn't mind the image that came up. Until she thought of Hegg and how he'd been flirting with about every vixen old enough to flirt with. The otter gagged on a bit of bile in the back of her throat.

"Noo, I'd rather be ah weasel," she declared, turning her mind to Orch.

"Ahn't yah already one big un' already? Don't glare at the ceiling, glare at me, and besides, aren't otters just big weasels?" Lakka pointed out, wondering what she would think of the idea.

"Eerrrrmm… I never thought of iit that way…" Nye said, seriously thinking it over. "Then t'at mean mice are just little rats too…"

Lakka trid nodding his head but remembered he was lying on his side. "An' doon't ferrget about dem squirrels—"

"Rats with poofy tails," they both said simultaneously. The two drunken beasts laughed at each other for a bit before Lakka continued talking.

"Yah know, vermin 'n woodlanders aren't dat different. Now before you start given the ceiling dat look jest dink about et!"

"En't no thinkin' ta it, yer out of yer mind." Nye huffed at the ceiling.

"Well ya can loookit tah vermint here if'en yah want. Ain't till yah horde came here ded we have dat many bad beasts runnin' around," Lakka defended, pointing out the resent events.

Nye slowly let her eyes drift from the ceiling to the side to get a tiny glimpse of the fox. He was telling the truth in the fact until her horde arrived, southern Mossflower had little-to-no bad beasts in it. Plenty of native vermin, but everyone one of them had turned soft. Granted, she soon found out why when the bloody wolves and their horde— no, legion— confronted _her_ horde. It was surprisingly a short battle, but still, there were casualties and injured beasts. She and Orch were one of the many vermin who escaped before the wolves took the defeated horde back to their floating fortress.

The wolf legion that had come after them had made mistakes, however. Maybe they were trying out some green and newly advanced officer or something. Orch had told Nye that new officers or horde leaders made mistakes when they first started out, and her drunken face went grim at the thought. The wolves might've gotten a lot of the stray fighters, but most of the hordewives, cubs, and incapacitated back at the main camp had managed to flee with the time bought.

Hegg, Wareg, and everybeast else was just floating around Mossflower now, trying to get their wits in order and regroup. Nye was pretty sure they'd managed to hold tight to their families, except for Sniptail, who didn't have a family to hold on to after Ringeclaw anyway. But seeing she was sticking close to Badfang and his parents ever since Nye guessed that they counted as one.

And of course, Orch had gotten sick right after they'd fled. Diseases common and weak to wolves weren't the same to weasels.

"Yeah, well, woodlanders an' vermin might be kinda tha same, but Imma horde vermin. I en't un of yer soft Mossflower 'uns," Nye spat, good mood rapidly disappearing as she remembered Orch's hacking coughs and how much Redwall reminded her of the Hellgates which had been Castle Floret, "an' neithher is Orch."

Lakka gave a little snort. "Took uss all a long tiem to figure _t'at_ out."

"Shuddup, bilgeweed ball." Nye clenched her fists, banging one down on the floor with all the hatred she could muster in her current state. She ignored the throbbing running through it and the tears of pain beading in her eyes that came from trying to pound a stone floor. "Goddamn wolfves, ruinin' everythin'…"

Nye was going to say something else before Lakka cut her off. "Ya mean tah Vi'Graaw."

"Tha _what?_"

"Tah Vi'Graaw," Lakka said, trying to pronounce the foreign name better and failing. He gave a shrug of his shoulders on the floor, adjusting his legs and tail so that he would be more comfortable. Nye still had both of her arms on her chest, resting there instead of being crossed like before. "There's thiss big groop of vermin an' woodlanwders an' wolfs…" Lakka made a vague gesture with a paw, small frown coming over his face. "They keep tah peasce or watever, but I don like 'em too much. They ruin alod, too. Like families."

Both Nye and Lakka were quiet for a moment, frowns on their faces for different reasons as they thought their own secrets or problems out. But the contemplative silence didn't last long.

"You ruin lotsa stuff," Nye said. "Wifth your muckin' _face._"

Any brief truce made died a horrible death.

Lakka found somehow to kick his closet partner in her muzzle. She screamed a horrid battle cry before they turned into a mass of drunken, cursing, kicking, limbs. Outside of the closet it could be seen as if the doors were shaking with dust. And as they screamed and fought even harder, the hinges began to loosen…

Lucy raised her eyebrows at the sudden violence from within, having sat there with a pen and paper the whole time. She smiled mischievously before picking up a hammer and nails, going over to the hinges and reinforcing them. The fighting beasts within were so noisy they didn't even notice the boards being hammered over the double doors. Lucy gave a snicker before sneaking off with her material…

Meanwhile, in the closet, Lakka was trying to kick Nye in the stomach, again, while she was cursing everyone in his family line from his mother to his great-great-great-great grandmother— and also trying to punch him in the throat. There was a ripping sound as Nye got one of her paws around Lakka's tunic and jerked down. In the middle of all the yelping and swearing, material tore, and Nye's skirt ripped up the side when Lakka tried to claw her leg open.

In the end, when the two had finally managed to separate and sat in the opposite, farthest corners of the closet they could get themselves into— still breathing hard and glaring at each other with drunken anger— both Nye and Lakka looked like someone had thrown them through a raid. Lakka's pants were in shreds, making it look he was wearing a torn up dress instead… and as for Nye, her skirt was a mass of cloth tatters around her waist, Lakka having figured out they were tearing clothes and went all out on her skirt.

Needless to say, both of them were less than happy to see each other. In more than one way.

Having sobered up a little from the fight, Lakka glared across the space at Nye. "Yee a tripe snotnosed face Fate-damned otter who should burn in a hole of undead flesh eating maggots."

"An' you're a stinkin', bilge-snortin', pile of squirmin' worms that needs ta chuck yourself off the walltop face-first," Nye growled, poking at her skirt. _Goddamn fox._

But in retaliation, after realizing he was practically trying to tear her skirt off, she had left him two black eyes and a decently bleeding nose. Not that Nye was in much better shape. She had her own black eye, her nose was swelling up, and there was more than one bruise or scratch that was starting to sting along her arms and sides. The Redwall infirmary would've had a fit if they'd walked up (and Orch wouldn't have reacted too much better.)

Lakka crossed his arms in frustration again, giving a 'hmmph' as he looked away from Nye to the cursed locked doors. And then he realized what used to be at least a little light coming through the grates there was barely any now. The fox in curiosity stood up on his sore legs, minding his right from having Nye's foot almost break his knee, and looked at the door.

"The hell?" Lakka muttered as he peaked through the cracks. "That damn squirrel boarded us in!"

Nye's eye twitched at this new revelation, and she painfully climbed to her feet. "_What? _'ow the Hellgates could she have boarded us up? You blatherin' idiot, you're probably still drunk 'o somethin'— bloody snakestooth; that WENCH!"

Nye put her back to the closet's wall, glaring murderously at the door and almost further crushing the brooms that were now broken into several pieces from her and Lakka's scuffles. Out of pure frustration, Nye grabbed one of the broken broom pieces and threw it at Lakka's head. He cursed as it clunked him in the back of the skull, almost scraping one of his ears. "This is your fault, you blinkin' worthless lump of crowfood!"

"Well you're no bett—" Lakka began as he made to take a step toward her to get into her face, but tripped over one of the bottles on the ground and fell into her chest face-first. "Mmph!" the teenager yelled into her as he grabbed her upper arm and pulled down to try and lift himself up. All he succeeded in doing was driving his skull into Nye's throat. She choked on her new swear, tripping on one of the fallen broom pieces, and both of them crashed into the floor. Again.

If it were possible to gain more than two black eyes, then Nye and Lakka would've managed it. They fell into yet another fight, this time to the death. Both of them were just fed up with each other and now there would only be one left in the end. Lakka didn't care if he had to deal with a rotting corpse. He went for her throat, intending to rip it out with his teeth. But in their melee they fell to the ground— and didn't hear the sounds of boards being taken off from the door outside.

Nye was trying to gnaw Lakka's ear off and he was trying to punch her in the kidney when the doors finally gave a dismal groan and opened. Both of the adolescents froze in the middle of their fight, staring at the sudden light and silhouette of the squirrel standing in the entrance.

"…what are you two doing?"

Nye shoved the fox off of her and jumped from the closet, straight at the squirrel. The only thought in her mind was revenge and to kill the bilge-stinking wench that was Lucy Red. Only this was another Red all together…

Adasen's eyes grew wide for just a moment at the sudden demon spawn coming at her at an alarming speed. With one leg she roundhouse kicked Nye to the side and gave a yelp as Lakka jumped forth as well, tackling her to the ground. The adult rolled with the fox and kicked him off over her head. She jumped back to her feet when Nye came at her side, but Adasen was quicker and side stepped the attacking otter, who flew through the air and landed across Lakka's stomach. The poor fox gave a comical 'oof!'

Adasen walked up over the fallen two and cross her arms. "What in Hellgates are you two doing?!"

As Nye scrambled to her feet, getting off Lakka and hoping to the Dark Forest that her clothes weren't any more torn than before, she almost began to launch a barrage of swears at Adasen— or another attack. Almost. But her survival instincts were a little bit stronger than that. Behind her, Lakka wheezed and clutched his stomach, getting to his feet and glaring at both Nye and Adasen.

"Getting out of the closet, which your damn daughter locked us!" Lakka snapped.

Adasen snickered at the enraged fox before turning her back to him and walking over to the open closet with a cool gate. "It looks to me you two were up to a little more than just being locked in there... Enjoy heaven while you we— …Why is there pee in my alcohol stash…?"

"'cause you deserve it," Nye growled, her fur standing on end in disgust from Adasen's suggestion. "I bet your stinkin' ale tastes like piss anyways." At the same time, she was slowly backing away, seeing a familiar expression growing on Adasen's face. It was usually the same look Orch got before she was cuffed half to death. Lakka too was taking cautious steps back as Adasen continued to inspect the open closet, her back neck fur beginning to rise.

The young fox leaned into Nye's ear and quietly whispered, "We're going to die a horrible death…"

They paused for a moment. Both of them stared at Adasen as she froze and slowly began to look up from her alcohol stash.

Nye stomped on Lakka's foot before he could nail her in the shin.

"Not if I run an' let you die first!" Nye yelled, taking off down the hall.

And Dr. Shuu cut up Lakka in the end while Nye got away like she always does. She married Oko-san, and eventually found true pudding.

_The end._

* * *

SaraaLuna: Betcha didn't see that coming.

Quaver: Killer Pigeons… Nye x Oko-san. XD

SaraaLuna: I will drag this whole archive into the Hatoful Boyfriend fandom if it kills me. You have been forewarned.

Quaver: Dating pigeons isn't that bad actually…

SaraaLuna: Unless they kill you, BUT HEY. You can't always get everything!

Happy Late April Fool's, everybirdie!


End file.
